Christmas Lights

Before it gets too far away from Christmas, I want to go over a few things. I wanted to get this out before Christmas, but things don't always work out as planned. So, without further ado, here is my rant on Christmas Lights. "Yeah-Boo" style.

Like all humans, I prefer symmetry. Whether you know it or not, you are more attracted to symmetrical people than non-symmetrical hideous ogres. It's just more visually appealing. (I don't know the psychology behind that...it's not like I majored in psychology or anything.) Anyway, for me, Christmas lights are the same thing. Heart does not matter to me. You have to put a reasonable amount of effort into it, and simply put, it just has to look good. One string across the top doesn't cut it anymore. This is America...the fattest nation in the world. Go big or go home. So to please my fans, I became an extreme voyeur and went around taking pictures of people's houses - good and bad. Thankfully no one called the police on me.

This might be the lamest one I saw. One string of white lights across the roof top. It's even drooping in some spots. Come on people. This one gets a big fat BOOOO!

This one is not quite as bad because it has some color, but again, one single strand of blue lights. I couldn't get a picture of it, but the single strand also stops part way around the side of the house facing the street. Classy. The weirdest part was that these lights were a strange deep blue. Not festive at all. If anything, they were eerie. This one gets a slightly less enthusiastic BOOO!

Now look at this one. It has a great mix of color, shapes, sizes, and overall it is pretty symmetrical. All the little trees are draped in lights. We have blue and white with a hint of red. Even a little bow at the point of the roof. This one gets a resounding YEAH!

To crush the momentum we were gaining, may I present to you this masterpiece. (Is the sarcasm coming through loud enough?) This person has a good mix of color, but as you can see, decided that, instead of continuing around the side of the house, they would double up the strand for half of the front of the house, until the string of lights ran out. To me, this says, "There the house is decorated, now can I watch my stories." *said with a hick accent* This one, too, gets a lame-ass BOO!

To put us back on track, we have this simple, yet elegant number. Both floors of the house have an even amount of ice sickles on them, and the garage has its own lights as well. Both sides of the walk way are lined with candy canes, and a lovely snowman and Christmas trees greet you as you walk into the house. Although they are all on one side, it is the actual center of the house because the porch itself off-center. I would have liked to see something around the windows, but now they have some room for improvement for next year. This one gets an average YEAH.

Now you might think that this next one will get a whole-hearted YEAH, but that is most definitely not the case. It's true that there is a nice blend of colors, but it looks very sloppy. Look at the pillar. The lights are strung up the pillar at different angles. The blue lights in the planter look like they were dropped there on accident. And the single strand of big glass lights along the roof line droop in a non-uniform way. I will say that they tried to "go all out," if you will, they just needed to be a little more precise with their execution. This one gets somewhat muted Boo.

And finally, last and least, my pick for laziest decorator this holiday season. Look at this mess. One string of red lights, on random parts of the roof. I know it is hard to tell, but there is nothing obstructing the view here. Where the lights stop, the lights actually stop. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Where ever the string of lights happened to end, that was okay for this person. My favorite part is the two inches of lights on the tree in the bottom right corner. I think it's a nice touch. This one gets my biggest, laziest BOOOOO!

Christmas for the OCDer

I love Christmas. I love buying presents for other people, and because I pay such close attention to everything, I feel as though I can really pick out the perfect present for someone. Getting presents, however, is not as easy for me. Since I'm so specific about my likes and dislikes, my family and friends have a difficult time finding "the perfect gift" for me - aside from the things I specifically ask for. But in recent years my family and friends have really keyed into my unique personality and found the perfect gifts.

Last Christmas my brother continued my Dyson obsession with the purchase of the Dyson Handheld DC 16 Root 6 (which I believe has now been discontinued/improved upon). I couldn't have asked for a better present. It's high quality, easy to use, and super convenient. It's perfect.

This year, stumped as always I'm sure, the gang pulled through again. A present that I'm sure most people gave out at their office White Elephant Gift Exchange, thrilled me beyond belief. This Christmas I received an amazing Violight Toothbrush Sanitizer! (If you are not aware of my toothbrush obsession you can read about it here). It is probably the perfect gift for me. I already keep my toothbrush in a protective case, and this way, I can blow-off the ADA's recommendation of not putting your toothbrush in an enclosed space, without guilt.

In addition to my toothbrush obsession, my cleaning obsession got a boost this season as well, with the addition of the Shark Handheld Steam Cleaner. Perfect for cleaning AND disinfecting! One of the things I am most excited to use it for, is steam cleaning the wrinkles out of my clothes. As OCD as I am, I absolutely hate ironing. The Shark will be a great addition to the cleaning arsenal.

Finally, as if a little birdie (or this blog post) told her that I hate to have a dirty car, my mother picked out the life saving California Car Duster. It's essentially just a long mop on a stick, but I will change my world completely. If I can dust my car before the morning dew hits (nature's annoying condensation) the water marks on my car won't be as dirty or visible, saving me a lot of hassle in the mornings. Instead of having to dry off the car in the morning, I can just dust mop it when it dries and save myself some of the headache.

This year I was essentially given the gift of peace of mind a few times over..the best present an OCDer could ask for. Word to the wise, this blog is probably your best bet for finding me the perfect present.

The Time Clock

As mentioned before, I am a wage worker. From 8:00am to 4:30pm I am a prisoner to the time clock. For those of you with a salary, or some other easier way to clock in and out, this is what my boss looks like...

The time clock works in quarters and each employee is given a seven minute window to clock in and start their eight hour day. In the eyes of the clock, anyone that arrives at work anytime between 8:00am and 9:00am is considered "clocked in" at either 8:00am, 8:15am, 8:30am, 8:45am, or 9:00am. For example, if I come into work anytime from 7:53am-8:07am I am considered clocked in at 8:00am and can leave anytime from 4:23pm-4:37pm and it is considered 4:30pm. Or, if I come into work anytime from 8:08am-8:22am I am considered clocked in at 8:15am and can leave anytime from 4:38pm-4:52pm, and it is considered 4:45pm. I hope that is not as confusing as I think it is, but hopefully by the end it will make sense.

Because the clock works the way it does, anyone with any common sense would try to arrive and clock in at 8:07am, and leave at 4:23pm. In the eyes of the clock, you have arrived at 8:00am and have left at 4:30pm. This way, you will get paid for 8 hours (with a half hour unpaid lunch in there somewhere) and you are only "working" for 7 hours and 46 minutes. Because of the seven minute window, the clock can essentially pay you for approximately 25% of your hourly wage that you weren't working for.

That being said, enter my OCD personality. I like to clock in at an exact time (like 8:00am), clock out for lunch exactly four hours later (12:00pm), clock back in from lunch exactly thirty minutes later than that (12:30pm), and leave four hours after that (4:30pm). Honest and stupid. That's my philosophy.

The weird part about the whole thing is that I will keep this staunch time schedule regardless of what time I arrive. If I happen to get to the time clock at 7:53am, I'm not going to wait seven minutes to clock in at 8:00am because I am not patient or dumb enough for that (I will get paid the same amount anyway). Instead I will take lunch at 11:53am, clock back in at 12:23pm, and leave for the day at 4:23pm. It sounds exhausting but it's second nature at this point. If you are wondering how I get to the clock on time, every time, I have my wrist watch synchronized to the time clock and I set my phone alarm to go off one minute prior to the time I have to clock in. This way I can make my way over to the clock and wait a few second for the time to be exact.

Creating a Monster, Part 2

I know I have touched on it before, but for those of you who are not aware, oral hygiene is big in my book (as seen here and here). For that reason, I hold the oral hygiene of others to a higher standard as well. Unfortunately, I learned at an early age that oral hygiene is not as important to others as it is to me. (I trace this one back to second grade for those of you who are keeping track of when I became how I am).

In second grade (I was what, seven or eight?) I went to talk to my teacher before recess. She was a sweet lady, and I really have nothing bad to say about her, or at least nothing worse than what I am about to say. Despite her best efforts to be perfect, she had undeniably terrible breath. Not like morning breath. Not like onion breath. Way worse. I don't know if it was a medical problem or a McShit sandwich for breakfast, but even second grade me realized what it was and hated it.

The problem with this situation is that I wanted to like her - nay - I liked her and I didn't want to hate her, so I had to improvise a way to talk to her without passing out from the stench. Smart as can be, second grade me came up with the method that present day me uses to talk to everyone, regardless of whether or not their breath stinks. Anytime I am in close proximity with anyone (family, friend, or stranger) and I have a chance of smelling their breath, I breathe through a tiny crack in my lips to avoid the risk of smelling their breath, and unwittingly judging them. I don't like to make it obvious and I don't want to look like a mouth-breathing idiot, so I make the crack in my lips as small as possible. In addition, if I have my mouth open wider than it has to be, I run a risk that a drop of their spit goes into my mouth...I have had a bad experience with that before.

I know not everyone has bad breath, but I continue to mouth-breathe around others for a couple of reasons. First of all, I like to like people. I don't want to be disgusted by their breath. If I can't smell it, I can't be grossed out by it, and then I can base my opinion of someone on the whole being and not just their breath. Secondly, I work at a hospital and my job puts me around people who have never seen a toothbrush in their life (sadly, a lot of them are staff). When talking to anyone at work I would be willing to bet my life savings that their breath smells worse than the diaper bin in a nursery. Rather than risk the situation, I just assume the worst, and breathe through the little crack in my lips. Cynical? Yes. Rude? Maybe. Wrong? No.

Update

To my faithful followers,

It is hard for me to post as regularly as I would like to, because, while I have a lot of OCD tendencies, not all of them can be spun into a witty blog gem. My team of writers and I are working tirelessly to come up with more ways to be able to post on a more regular basis.

Thank you. That is all.

Tubs of Butter

As far back as I can remember I have had this obsession with my butter, or rather my butter substitute. I don't particularly care for the taste of real butter, but I have become quite fond of butter substitutes, particularly Brummel and Brown. One of the things I like about the stand-ins is that they come in a neat little container. No messy stick to melt all over a butter dish and smear all over the place...but that's not my obsession. I just wanted to set the stage and explain my reasoning for liking my spreads in a neat little Tupperware-like tub.

My obsession stems from my desire to keep things neat and uniform. When I knife my fake butter out of my dish, I like to sweep the knife across the top of the spread to keep the top as smooth as possible. This way, one thin layer at a time is removed from the top, and the spread is always flat, smooth, and still appetizing, like it is new and has never even been used.

What irks me to no end is when this beautiful, smooth, uniform mold is desecrated and hacked to bits by some uncaring, unaware being, who has no respect for the brilliance of a systematic butter scraping technique. They plunge their knife into the container willy nilly, gouging the butter mold into a hacked-up, crater-filled mess, like this...

I know this is extreme, and because I am so particular about things like this, I tend to keep two of things like this in the house...one for me and one for anyone else who wants to use it. This way I can keep my OCD quirks and not impose them on others, and others can hack their butter to hell.

Ketchup Bottles

Remember the old school ketchup bottles that used to be in every restaurant (and are still in some)? They're the ones that can be hard to get the ketchup out of, if you don't know exactly how to tilt the bottle. The ones that occasionally let nasty ketchup water out on your burger and fries. The ones that give a great smacking sound when you hit the bottom. I miss those ketchup bottles. Those ones are the best ones. Classic and unmistakable.

Remember when America got lazy and decided it was too much work to shake the bottle to eliminate the water on the top and then get the ketchup out? I don't know exactly when it happened (a few years back?) but most major ketchup brands switched to the lazy upside-down bottle, like this one...

The benefit of the new bottle is supposed to be easy squeezing and no ketchup water. Since the cap is actually on the bottom, the water floats to the top, away from the cap, which means no red water on your fries. Or at least that is the idea. Back in my day we just shook the bottle, and got great ketchup every time. But whatever, that's not the point. I am all for ease and simplicity. If something can be made easier, go for it. The thing I hate is that every time I see this type of bottle, it's not being used the way it was designed to be used, and as a result, all benefit it supposedly has, is eliminated. Every time I see those bottles, they are like this...

We are such creatures of habit that we place the top facing upwards because that is what seems right. Then, we get ketchup water when we go to use it. (I say we, meaning the human race, but I do not do this). If I wanted ketchup water, I would just go back to the old bottles and then I would know that the bottle needed to be shaken before I used it. It seriously irritates me to see this in restaurants and refrigerators. Would you put a jar of mayo upside-down after you're finished with it? Look, the cap is made wide enough to balance the bottle and the logo is made to be right-side-up when the cap is on the bottom, it really isn't that complicated. Just flip it over and we can all be happy.