Creating a Monster, Part 2

I know I have touched on it before, but for those of you who are not aware, oral hygiene is big in my book (as seen here and here). For that reason, I hold the oral hygiene of others to a higher standard as well. Unfortunately, I learned at an early age that oral hygiene is not as important to others as it is to me. (I trace this one back to second grade for those of you who are keeping track of when I became how I am).

In second grade (I was what, seven or eight?) I went to talk to my teacher before recess. She was a sweet lady, and I really have nothing bad to say about her, or at least nothing worse than what I am about to say. Despite her best efforts to be perfect, she had undeniably terrible breath. Not like morning breath. Not like onion breath. Way worse. I don't know if it was a medical problem or a McShit sandwich for breakfast, but even second grade me realized what it was and hated it.

The problem with this situation is that I wanted to like her - nay - I liked her and I didn't want to hate her, so I had to improvise a way to talk to her without passing out from the stench. Smart as can be, second grade me came up with the method that present day me uses to talk to everyone, regardless of whether or not their breath stinks. Anytime I am in close proximity with anyone (family, friend, or stranger) and I have a chance of smelling their breath, I breathe through a tiny crack in my lips to avoid the risk of smelling their breath, and unwittingly judging them. I don't like to make it obvious and I don't want to look like a mouth-breathing idiot, so I make the crack in my lips as small as possible. In addition, if I have my mouth open wider than it has to be, I run a risk that a drop of their spit goes into my mouth...I have had a bad experience with that before.

I know not everyone has bad breath, but I continue to mouth-breathe around others for a couple of reasons. First of all, I like to like people. I don't want to be disgusted by their breath. If I can't smell it, I can't be grossed out by it, and then I can base my opinion of someone on the whole being and not just their breath. Secondly, I work at a hospital and my job puts me around people who have never seen a toothbrush in their life (sadly, a lot of them are staff). When talking to anyone at work I would be willing to bet my life savings that their breath smells worse than the diaper bin in a nursery. Rather than risk the situation, I just assume the worst, and breathe through the little crack in my lips. Cynical? Yes. Rude? Maybe. Wrong? No.

Update

To my faithful followers,

It is hard for me to post as regularly as I would like to, because, while I have a lot of OCD tendencies, not all of them can be spun into a witty blog gem. My team of writers and I are working tirelessly to come up with more ways to be able to post on a more regular basis.

Thank you. That is all.

Tubs of Butter

As far back as I can remember I have had this obsession with my butter, or rather my butter substitute. I don't particularly care for the taste of real butter, but I have become quite fond of butter substitutes, particularly Brummel and Brown. One of the things I like about the stand-ins is that they come in a neat little container. No messy stick to melt all over a butter dish and smear all over the place...but that's not my obsession. I just wanted to set the stage and explain my reasoning for liking my spreads in a neat little Tupperware-like tub.

My obsession stems from my desire to keep things neat and uniform. When I knife my fake butter out of my dish, I like to sweep the knife across the top of the spread to keep the top as smooth as possible. This way, one thin layer at a time is removed from the top, and the spread is always flat, smooth, and still appetizing, like it is new and has never even been used.

What irks me to no end is when this beautiful, smooth, uniform mold is desecrated and hacked to bits by some uncaring, unaware being, who has no respect for the brilliance of a systematic butter scraping technique. They plunge their knife into the container willy nilly, gouging the butter mold into a hacked-up, crater-filled mess, like this...

I know this is extreme, and because I am so particular about things like this, I tend to keep two of things like this in the house...one for me and one for anyone else who wants to use it. This way I can keep my OCD quirks and not impose them on others, and others can hack their butter to hell.

Ketchup Bottles

Remember the old school ketchup bottles that used to be in every restaurant (and are still in some)? They're the ones that can be hard to get the ketchup out of, if you don't know exactly how to tilt the bottle. The ones that occasionally let nasty ketchup water out on your burger and fries. The ones that give a great smacking sound when you hit the bottom. I miss those ketchup bottles. Those ones are the best ones. Classic and unmistakable.

Remember when America got lazy and decided it was too much work to shake the bottle to eliminate the water on the top and then get the ketchup out? I don't know exactly when it happened (a few years back?) but most major ketchup brands switched to the lazy upside-down bottle, like this one...

The benefit of the new bottle is supposed to be easy squeezing and no ketchup water. Since the cap is actually on the bottom, the water floats to the top, away from the cap, which means no red water on your fries. Or at least that is the idea. Back in my day we just shook the bottle, and got great ketchup every time. But whatever, that's not the point. I am all for ease and simplicity. If something can be made easier, go for it. The thing I hate is that every time I see this type of bottle, it's not being used the way it was designed to be used, and as a result, all benefit it supposedly has, is eliminated. Every time I see those bottles, they are like this...

We are such creatures of habit that we place the top facing upwards because that is what seems right. Then, we get ketchup water when we go to use it. (I say we, meaning the human race, but I do not do this). If I wanted ketchup water, I would just go back to the old bottles and then I would know that the bottle needed to be shaken before I used it. It seriously irritates me to see this in restaurants and refrigerators. Would you put a jar of mayo upside-down after you're finished with it? Look, the cap is made wide enough to balance the bottle and the logo is made to be right-side-up when the cap is on the bottom, it really isn't that complicated. Just flip it over and we can all be happy.

Washing My Car

I hate having my car washed. Not because I don't like to have a clean car (believe me, nothing makes me happier). Not because the car wash does a bad job. As in everything I hate, I hate having my car washed because it creates a good 1-2 weeks of stress for me.

First of all, after I get the car washed, I can't roll the windows down for the rest of the day. If the windows get rolled down, the window streaks, and the car wash is wasted. Have you ever gotten in a sealed car on a ninety degree summer day? Let me tell you it's hot and the air conditioning does not cool down all that quickly. On the way home from the car wash (and for about a week to follow) I drive very cautiously and carefully, because I don't want water from the gutter to get splashed behind my tires and onto my freshly cleaned car.

That is just the beginning. Obviously we don't live in a bubble. Wind blows, and cars drive by, both of which sprinkle dirt and dust all over my car. If it's the time of year when it's really dry, I will occasionally dust my car with a dry rag to keep the dirt off. If I keep the dirt off, then the moisture and the dew from the night just drips down and evaporates, and leaves my car virtually unscathed by the elements. If I don't keep the dirt off, then the morning dew mixes with the dust on the car and creates a filthy mess.

As if there needs to be more, I keep an old bath towel in the trunk so I can wipe off the morning dew and keep it from streaking over car and the windows. It doesn't have to be perfect, just to get a bulk of the moisture off so the rest can evaporate, and keep the car clean. I also keep a squeegee in my trunk to get the windows crisp and clear. Anytime I dry my car I squeegee it too. And finally, if I have the time and it needs to be done, I'll get the Windex and clean the windows the old fashion way.

So for me, cleaning my car is a 2 week process that requires a lot of extra time and energy, so much so that it's almost not worth it.