Beards

As a huge, bearded biker sputtered past me on the freeway, I was reminded about my strong feelings for beards. I don't not like beards, but in my opinion it has to be well-kept, clean, and natural. I don't understand the appeal of growing a long, wiry, pubic beard. It looks gross and I don't care what everyone says, you are instantly judged the second someone sees it. Most often, the long beard wearers have grey beard hair...only it's not grey. Instead it's some tobacco stained, yellow color that cannot be cleaned with the harshest chemicals known to man, and that, coupled with the wiry factor, create the perfect storm of yuck. Picture yourself as a toddler climbing up to see Santa Claus and seeing this guy looking all dirty (regardless of whether or not he is actually dirty) staring down at you? It's no wonder children cry at the sight of Santa.

So that covers what I mean by well-kept and clean, but what do I mean by natural? Well, everyone has seen the guy walking around the mall, or the baseball park looking like he has a piece of black tape as a beard. The beard with no changes in color or texture, no highlights, no hints of grey (if it's age appropriate) just straight, jet black, obviously dyed hair. I blame the company Just for Men. They have brainwashed viewers into thinking dyed hair looks good with the catchy jingle "It looks so natural. No one can tell, with Just for Men." I contend that their jingle should be "It looks so fake. Everyone can tell, it's Just for Men."